I'm alive!

Today is Autism Positivity Day, but it's a bit difficult to be positive when it's pouring outside. Actually, it's not difficult to be positive, but it's really hard not to be lazy. (I also have a sensory issue with rain. Strangely enough, I can take and very much enjoy hot showers, but rain bothers me for some reason. Maybe it's the cold.)

I'm actually working on a subject guide on Asperger's in adults for one of my grad school classes, and I'm going to host it here on a page on my blog so everyone can use it as a resource. I really do think that one of the biggest problems with so-called autism awareness campaigns is that they so often forget us - the adults on the spectrum. Autism doesn't magically disappear when we turn 18, and so I think it's valuable for us to pool our resources and help each other self-advocate as best as we can.

It's been a while since I last wrote here. In that time, I did not get the job I interviewed for, nearly finished my third semester of grad school (I have about two weeks left - and then just one to go before the Master's degree!), turned 25 years old on April 25th, and have one sensory overload less in my life because for six months my grandmother is living with my aunt in Rochester. (It's a real relief and my mood's improved considerably because I'm not constantly being barraged.) I've also applied for another archiving position and an internship, so hopefully one of those two will go better and I'll get some proper experience!

Anyhow, it's back to working on that subject guide/resource list for grad school, so I'd best get to that! See you all soon!

Wish me luck tomorrow - interview time!

I've been extremely busy as of late between catching up on my massive art backlog and starting up school again, but I'm writing here today because I'm nervous. I've got a job interview in my field tomorrow morning and I'm hoping beyond hope that it goes well.

I don't think I've ever been this concerned with making a first impression in my entire life. I'm actually getting my hair blown out before I go at a salon and I've picked out a pretty nice outfit, things I generally don't do normally which may be why I'm still single, but that's for another post. It's only a part-time position, but the experience is what matters here - I need to get real archival experience and this would be a great place to start. Do keep your fingers crossed for me, everyone!

Staying Patient

I know many people, especially parents and peers, sometimes have trouble remaining patient with those of us on the spectrum as we learn to navigate the world around us. When we become adults, however, we often have trouble doing the exact same thing with our neurotypical peers - it's just part of the human condition!

As I've chronicled here in brief over the past few months, my grandmother has moved in with us temporarily and she'll be with us until April or so. My dad and my aunt are each taking her for half the year, and we've had her since October. At first, things weren't so bad, but since she's never been the brightest and she doesn't pay attention to us when we explain things to her, it's gotten really frustrating. I've been finding my stress levels increasing more and more and my patience growing shorter and shorter over the past two months, especially since we (my parents and I) haven't had time to take care of our own business since we've all had to look after and help her with hers. We've all been extremely far behind on things, so it's gotten tough and everyone's tempers seem to have gotten shorter along with it.

My own frustration is one thing, but since everyone - including my grandmother, who feels like a burden even though she isn't - has been frustrated too, the extra tension in the house really has been eating at me (because as anyone with Asperger's or anyone who knows someone with Asperger's knows, we're too empathetic and we can't handle other people's emotions very well). It's made my hypothyroidism flare up, too, so I'm constantly tired to boot. It's just been very, very difficult for me both physically and mentally.

I've been doing my very best to learn how to remain patient with my grandmother - living with us full-time is certainly a big adjustment for her, too, and I know it's been very tough on her. It's been very difficult for me to get used to having someone who traditionally has caused many sensory overloads for me around all the time, but it's just as hard for her to be here. I just keep trying to remind myself that she's struggling, too, and that I need to see this from her perspective, but it's definitely hard when having her here has been causing all sorts of sensory problems for me. I suppose I just need to keep on trucking here.

Anyone else have a similar problem? Is there any advice you'd like to share with both me and anyone else reading this? (Thank you in advance!)

Last week of the semester...

Things are really, really crazy here at the moment, as this is the last week of my second of four semesters of graduate school. It's a bit weird to think that I'm now halfway done with my Master's degree, especially since just a few years ago I never thought I'd be able to get this far when I first was diagnosed. Basically, a diagnosis isn't an end to your life or a limiter on what you can do. It just means you're socially different and you can still achieve what you want to by doing it in your own way. I didn't realize this at first, but now that I know I'm awfully glad I do and have faith in myself.

Faith, though, doesn't eliminate stress. Back to work for me.

Post-Thanksgiving Dispatch From The Front

I survived yet another Thanksgiving. I really have no idea how I make it every year, but I do.

The graduate school semester is winding down, so it's crunch time for me, but I'm a lot more worried about how far behind I've fallen on my holiday shopping because normally I've got my presents for everybody by Thanksgiving. Having to take care of my grandmother (and do grad school work) has slowed me down to the point where I have almost no presents ready to go at a time when I'm normally done. It's stressful, really.

I do have some potentially exciting news coming up if it works out, at least, but I can't spoil things just yet because we don't know how official it is. What I can say is that it involves my art and I might just be getting a break here, so fingers crossed!

I just want a social life back, really. Graduate school takes that away from me for about four months at a time, and now that my grandmother's in the house and needs us to help her out with so many things, I really don't get out when I've got free time, either, because my free time is almost entirely devoted to helping her. I don't mind helping her, of course, but I definitely get really, really frustrated about not being able to see anybody. I've already got Asperger's to make finding friends and potential boyfriends difficult, so not even having the time to try and practice my social skills is really starting to eat at me. I guess you could say graduate school actually makes me pretty lonely.

I also guess I should go and do some work, though. I've got two weeks to go before I can see anyone, so the least I can do is get things done.

Graduate School Keeps You Busy

It's been a very busy few weeks for me, but I think things are finally settling down now.

I had an issue with the bursar's office at my school regarding my student loans - they thought I owed them money when I didn't because the government sent me less money than they initially said they were going to, so my bursar bill got all messed up and there was a temporary hold on my ability to register for classes.

Luckily, that hold is gone and the problem's being repaired, and I'm now registered for my third of four semesters of graduate school. It's weird to think that I only have four weeks of classes left (and that one of these weeks is only for one day because of the Thanksgiving break) and then I'll already be halfway done with my Master's degree - it's giving me a sense of accomplishment for a change.

I'm also feeling accomplished because I managed to catch up on the commissions I owe people last night, so I now currently don't owe anybody any art. It's wonderful to be done with those, too, because for the past several months (since August) I've been behind on pretty much everything and catching up is a wonderful relief.

That being said, I still haven't been sleeping very well lately. I think it has to do with my grandmother moving in with us - I've been under a lot of stress involving that, and it's definitely been getting to me because I'm constantly exhausted. It's been over a month now since she's joined the household, and we're all really, really worn out by the whole thing but she's been very grateful and is doing her best to help out with things despite being 80 years old. It's always nice when the person who moves in with you isn't mean, after all.

Asperger's-wise, I think I've been handling the changes fairly well, although I did have a bad dream about missing my subway the night before I had to take the train out to Brooklyn for some archival field work at Green-Wood Cemetery for school. (I've got three more nights out there, and I'm loving it so far, but it's quite a long commute and it's pretty chilly these days!) Bad dreams generally indicate stress to me because I know I have a habit of laying down to go to bed and only thinking about what work I need to get done the next day, so hopefully I'll be able to get some time off to myself to do nothing soon. I'd really, really like to do nothing.

Living With A Walking Sensory Overload

So my grandmother's moved in with us now.

It's not exactly the greatest arrangement in the world for me, but I've managed so far. It's definitely difficult for me, though, because she's been the impetus of many, many sensory overloads over the years for me, and I'm not certain how long I'll be able to tolerate the added noise and disturbances in my home environment. I'm also concerned because I don't make enough money to move out and get away, and those times when I do manage to escape are work and school, which are exhausting on their own.

Basically, I'm probably not going to be able to handle this very well and I know it, and the fact that I know it is eating away at me because I'm 24 and have been through a ton of therapy and feel like I should be able to. In the end, I'm still a slave to my own biology, and loud people who never stop talking are crippling to me. It actually makes me feel bad about myself because I feel like I've grown so much and yet this one thing can still bring me to my knees.

To be fair, she's already been driving my parents up the wall, too, so I'm not alone. I'm just really dismayed and disheartened that I can't handle this as well as I'd like to be able to.

I have a distinct feeling that it's going to be easier to have an infant child in the house than having my grandmother in the house. Help me.