I managed to lose my wallet...

...and it led to a minor breakdown wherein I sobbed on my couch for a good several minutes.

I haven't made a misplay in my adult life in some time, so this discouraged me pretty severely. I felt like I was doing really well there for a while.

We've already canceled the credit and debit cards to get new ones, but I'm not looking forward to that trip to the DMV to get a new driver's license. I'm really not thrilled about losing work time. I guess I can do grad school readings whilst I wait. I also need to get a new school ID, which is going to cost me a hefty sum of some variety, so that's really discouraging, too.

I think I felt like I let my parents down since my credit card is currently attached to their credit card account. They took it a lot better than I did and helped me out, and that calmed me down considerably. I just need to pick my head up and not feel like such an idiot over an accident that was beyond my control. Then I remembered that they're old pros at things like this. I'm still relatively new to adulthood. They've dealt with problems like this before, but I don't have experience in this area yet. I suppose that experience will come (starting now).

I just wish adulthood wasn't so discouraging sometimes. Can I go back to being ten again?

UPDATE: A Good Samaritan found my wallet and brought it home! What a relief! I'm going to buy him a nice gift card as thanks.

I Actually Tried Flirting!

On Wednesday, I was riding the PATH train from school to Hoboken so I could go home. When I got on the train, a cute guy around my age sat down next to me. He had other seating options - there were plenty of seats on the train - but he chose to sit next to me.

I smiled at him.

This genuinely surprised me because I generally panic when attractive men around my age are near me. I don't know what to do and I'm afraid they'll reject me just like the boys in my middle school who told me how hideously ugly and horrible I was. For whatever reason, though, on Wednesday I had the courage to look at him and give him a smile.

I shot him a few sideways glances as the train shot underneath lower Manhattan and the Hudson River, too shy still to look at him outright except for our reflections in the window on the other side of the car. I could see that he seemed to have a headache, as he kept massaging his forehead, looking rather tired. I felt a sudden pang of regret that I didn't have any Advil in my saddle bag to offer to him. At the same time, I noticed my heart was pounding in my chest in a way that I hadn't felt it do since I was a freshman in college. I was feeling physical attraction towards somebody in real life.

As we neared Hoboken, I decided that I might as well try to give him one last smile before we went our separate ways. I decided to use the pratfalling abilities I'd picked up back in my theatre days (which were in middle school and didn't last all too long). I stood up as the train closed in on the station, holding onto the pole near me. When the train stopped and he too stood up, I let go of the pole and shifted my weight slightly to allow myself to stagger in front of him. I said, "Sorry!" and gave him one last big smile before we separated and went off to our own lives.

I giddily hopped into my dad's car and spent a good portion of the ride home feeling proud of myself. I had made an attempt to flirt that didn't scare a guy away - I wasn't told I was gross or ugly or creepy. The guy even sat next to me - so close that we were bumping elbows the entire train ride - when he could've sat next to someone else or even not next to anybody. That night, I cried myself to sleep with relief knowing that maybe, I might not be undateable after all.

Grad School and Asperger's: A Match Made In Heaven

Spring Break starts for me at the end of this week. It's also starting for my kid brother, so I get to go with Dad to pick him up on Friday and bring him home. It's nice to have the same week off from school.

Graduate school is the first place I've ever felt like things aren't scary. I've loved every minute of it, and it's just getting better by the week. I think what's nice is that it feels safe - there's no judgment there. We're all adults here - people aren't cliquey, a lot of us commute in and out, and we're all there for the same thing, so we might as well help each other out.

I was scared when I started back in January that I wasn't going to fit in yet again. It had been the story of my life, after all. But it turns out that things are a lot different in graduate school - it's a great place for people with Asperger's to be. Everyone who goes to grad school is interested in a more specific field, for one, which slots in very well with special interests. My interest in becoming an archivist is shared by other people, which is really exciting for me. Quite a few of us are nerds, too - people think it's cool that I draw two webcomics and script a third instead of making fun of me, and we can have generally geeky conversations (last night a few of us chatted about Transformers). It's a place I actually feel at home for once.

I can't imagine I'll ever want to graduate at this point. I'm quite happy to just stay in school with these people for the rest of my life. It's such a joy to be somewhere you feel like you actually belong. Before this, the only time I got that feeling was whenever I was at a baseball game - I knew I intrinsically belonged at the stadium because I felt so good there. I get that same feeling whenever I arrive at Pratt for my classes each Tuesday and Wednesday. It's wonderful to feel accepted and like you were meant to be somewhere.

That being said, anyone know of any scholarships for graduate students with Asperger's? I'd kind of like to be able to avoid student loans because archivists don't exactly make the same money that Wall Street executives do...

Why My Asperger's Helps Me Understand Laurel & Hardy

I've been working on a new project lately called Comedian Heaven, which is really more or less a webcomic about dead comedians working out the problems they had during life in their afterlives. As anyone who knows me knows, comedy - especially its history - is one of my special interests, and themes related to it can be found in both Londinium and The Historians, my two main creative projects. It also can be found all over my Tumblr - it has a tag there, and it encompasses both a lot of my stupid fanart (and Comedian Heaven sketches) and just comedy stuff in general.

You'll mostly find Peter Cook and Dudley Moore there, as they're my all-time favorites and the main inspiration for the current incarnations of Basil and Dustin in Londinium. Lately, though, there's another double act in my life that's swiftly running a close second to those two, one that really couldn't be more different in style.

I'm talking about these two.

Watching Stan and Ollie's characters trying to navigate the world is something I realized I understand a lot more than I thought I would. Their characters are children in the world of adults, and it's essentially how I feel about myself - the rules of the adult world are strange and foreign, and they don't always make sense to me. I'm turning 24 in April and I'm quite content to enjoy the same things that made me happy as a little kid - going to the toy store, building model kits, setting up toy train layouts, and, of course, reading. I never grew out of cartoons - I even started drawing them (and occasionally am even paid to do so). And I just find it really hard to understand why people can be so mean and not enjoy life.

Watching me move any somewhat large object also resembles The Music Box, but that's beside the point here.

It's a world view I understand - it's so easy to get lost in a world of adults when you see things so simply and without malice or ulterior motives, and you have to wonder a lot of the time if people are going to try to take advantage of you because you're gentle and child-like. On the flip side, you become a friend to all children, someone who bridges the gap between their world and that adult world that they'll someday enter, and your own existence and survival there - no matter how accident-prone you may be - gives them hope and reassures them that they'll be able to make it someday too.

Lately I've been watching these two quite a bit. There's something about them that just makes me feel really happy inside. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I can identify with them in a way. The world's confusing for people like us, but we survive due to our kindness towards other people.

Thanks for giving me that hope again, you two.

Explaining things to NTs?

Over the past several months, I've gotten extremely good at identifying my own limits (see my convention post below). It's truly wonderful to be self-aware and understand what I can and can't handle. There's just one problem with this that I'm really struggling with.

No matter how many times I try to explain this to my NT friends, they seem to forget about it.

I'm not sure how to emphasize this in a way that won't hurt their feelings, because they're extremely dear to me, but there are places that I can't go - busy malls, loud concerts, anywhere that involves being physically close to too many people that isn't a sporting event - and yet they continually invite me to go to these places no matter how many times I tell them that it's hard for me. I even had a panic attack at New York Comic Con this year and that still didn't drive the point home somehow.

How do I approach this issue without being hurtful? I want to just sit them down and yell at them sometimes because I get so frustrated that I'm not getting through to them, but I know that that's not the right way to handle this since we're all adults here and, as I've said, I don't want to make anyone upset. I just need to know what to say to make it sink in. I'm very plain and blatant about it usually - "my Asperger's makes this very hard for me" - but somehow, it just seems to be forgotten.

I know my friends aren't selfish and aren't trying to make things hard on me, but I don't want them to feel selfish after I try to explain this yet again to them, either. I'm just not sure how to go about this without making anyone upset.

Anyone have any advice? I'm genuinely stuck here.

Questions and Answers: Different "Forms" of Asperger's?

Someone on Tumblr recently asked me a great question about Asperger's and how it works - namely if there are different forms of it depending on how it affects individuals. I wrote a response that I think was way too long for Tumblr, but I'm posting it here for you because it works well enough as a blog post on how a spectrum disorder works.

I have Asperger's myself, but it's what's called high-functioning Asperger's, which means I mostly "blend in" with normal society. That being said, however, I lack understanding of social rituals and have to study and learn them in an almost academic way in order to interact with people well. Asperger's and autism are on a spectrum, so the different "forms" are more or less defined by how high or low you are on the spectrum.

People who are lower-functioning (lower Asperger's, high-functioning autism) will probably have more trouble adjusting to the world as adults, whilst people even lower who have serious autism probably will need caretakers throughout their lives because of sensory issues.

All autism and Asperger's people do have some commonalities within the diagnosis, though - we tend to have sensory issues and can get overloaded, for one. My personal sensory issues tend to involve noise and touch (I hate physical contact except for tight hugs). We also tend to have social skills issues - some kids on the spectrum can't even tell when their peers are making fun of them. (Which happens often - I was bullied growing up myself and I know I'm not alone in that regard). Facial expressions are hard for many of us to read - I only learned to recognize them by reading manga as a kid. On the flip side, we compensate by developing extremely intense interests and learning literally everything there is to know about them, which is probably why I'm starting graduate school in January to become an archivist and not doing a job that involves talking to a lot of people.

Routine is also very important to many autistics/Aspies because it makes the world feel safer and more under control - going out of a routine can be very stressful. It's why we're often such picky eaters - new things can be scary!

In short, since I seem to have accidentally written a small essay here (sorry I'm so pedantic!), the level to which a person on the autism spectrum needs routine and has issues with reading facial expressions and gauging emotions depends on how high or low they are on the spectrum itself.

On that note, I can't think of a word that better describes us info-dumping Aspergians than 'pedantic.' I learned that word from watching too much Top Gear (my favorite show, by the way) because Jezza and Hamster are always calling James May 'pedantic' and I realized that I tend to do that lecturing thing he does, too. I've proudly adopted James May's lecturing style at my job as a tour guide at a historic church in the Hudson Valley in New York State. 

I loved NYCC, but...

Recognize anyone around me here?

So let me talk about conventions for a minute.

I really, really like them. I love meeting other artists in the artists' alley and making friends who share my interests. It's a ton of fun to see people cosplaying, as well, and sometimes I'll even cosplay, too. As the Stig at New York Comic Con this year I must've been recognized by hundreds of people (because let's be honest, who doesn't watch Top Gear?).

But therein lays my problem - hundreds of people. When I'm selling my art, it's great - I sit behind a table and people come to me. There's a barrier between me and the rest of the con. I can interact with people in turn and it's safe and easy to manage. When I'm not behind a table, things get very scary. The crowds are often huge. I can get lost in them. They jostle me around as I try to get to wherever I'm going. I'm short, so it's hard for me to see.

Oh, and as the title of this blog suggests, I have Asperger's. Yeah.

Crowds are really not my thing. Back in April, one of my two best friends and I went to a concert. It turned out to be standing room only and I was nearly suffocated being pushed into the barrier. I was also in constant physical contact with people and it was loud and dark. To add insult to injury, a crowd surfer slammed into the back of my head, leaving me concussed. It took me more than a week to recover.

This past weekend I was at NYCC, and back in June I was at AnimeNEXT. The last two cons I had been to prior to that, NYCC 2011 and MangaNEXT, found me behind tables selling (at MangaNEXT, I was my friend's table helper; at NYCC, I sold my own art). At my two most recent cons, I got overwhelmed and had full-on Asperger's meltdowns. Although I didn't show this outwardly, on the inside I was having panic attacks and eventually escaped to quiet places so I could recover.

I hadn't had a meltdown at a convention since Otakon in 2010, the last convention I'd been to before I started selling. This past weekend, it dawned on me that the cons I'd survived the best were the ones I'd been behind a table at. A depression fell over me on Sunday as I realized that I mentally was unable to handle conventions unless I was selling. I would have to give something up that I loved dearly unless I came up with new coping strategies.

I cried over this. Usually you don't have to give something up because of your health when you're only 23. Self-awareness is amazing and makes you feel very mature, but sometimes realizing what your limits are really hurts. I keep thinking about it now and feeling awful about it even though I know my health has to come first. It's a truly miserable feeling.

I'm going to get through this just fine. I'll figure out what strategies work best for me. For now, though, I'm feeling rather awful even though I had a good time when I wasn't out in the crowd. I'm terrified that I'm going to have to stop doing something I love simply because of who I am.

And that's just not fair to anyone.