On Talking Normally, Talking Like A Human, And Talking To Boys

I tend to feel left out a lot in social situations, especially since I can't integrate myself into groups very well. It's very difficult to do in person, especially with my lacking social skills. I try to talk to people, but since I don't talk normally, it ends up being very off-putting and isolating. Here are some of the things I have problems with:

• Not sounding condescending. Because I'm hyperlexic, I use a lot of big words in my speech. To me, it's normal: I just love big words. I've been reading since I was 2 1/2 years old. To other people, I sound like an Ivory Tower academic. That's not the kind of person people want to be around. I sound like I think I'm better than them, and although I don't actually think that, it makes them feel like I'm a snob and don't like them or that I'd be taking myself down socially just to associate with them. It hurts. I genuinely want to be friends with them.
• Not sounding like a robot. I talk like a computer sometimes, especially since I'm so stiff. I have a tendency towards spouting off information whether it's relevant or not: as soon as I think of it, I say it, which really annoys people who don't actually care. (The one place this is useful: my knowledge of random baseball statistics, which are actually a good thing to be able to spout off in the sportswriting world.) I'm not very good at toning myself down with the random information, which also alienates me.
• Boys. I'm really intimidated by them for some reason, probably because I know they have the power to accept or reject me in a very different kind of love than family or friends give me. So when I'm talking to one I find cute, I get really shy and fail even more at making eye contact than usual. I'd love to connect to one and fall in love and get married someday, but this is really, really hard for someone like me because I struggle so badly with putting myself out there. I'm too shy to open up in non-baseball settings. I can talk to boys about baseball - and I do, as it's part of my job writing for Aerys Sports. But when it comes to everyday life, I'm crippled, and it's hard for me to open up. So whilst boys can and will fall in love with all of you, they won't fall for me. This isn't the case for most girls, Asperger's or not: you're quirky and beautiful and lovable, and as long as you let them see that, you're golden. But I was made fun of so badly as a kid that I'm afraid to open up now because I'm afraid that it could easily happen to me again, so I'm very closed off.

As you can see, I clearly face a lot of social challenges. The internet minimizes these for me by making it easier for me to talk to all of you, especially since I get to write instead of speak and I can write a lot better than I can talk. But I want to be able to survive in real life, and I feel like no matter how hard I work on my social skills these three things never get any better. I know they're part of what makes me who I am, but they're also things that make it harder for me to develop friendships and other kinds of relationships (I'm 22 and I've never been on a date, let alone held a boy's hand). I mentally struggle with this a lot, and it's hard for me to pick myself up sometimes.

But then I remember that I'm unique and special and there are people in my life who appreciate me for who I am, and it makes me feel better. Hopefully, there are other people out there like that, too.

Thank You

Today I had my final collegiate therapy appointment.

I broke down sobbing at the end.

My therapist at school is named Dr. Bradley. I first met with her two years ago during my sophomore year when I was stricken with OCD and I really needed help - I was in a horrible place at that time and I swear having her to talk to saved my life. She walked me through my OCD at a time when I was extremely mentally needy, and she kept me alive and helped me survive my sophomore year. I literally would not have made it without her.

Here I am, graduating on May 22nd, and where would I have been if I didn't have her to turn to? I don't even want to think about it. It was her advice and her willingness to always listen to me that guided me through college. I would have been so beyond lost and despondent without her help. I'm scared to think of what I might have been like without her there. I don't know if I would have made it to where I am here.

Dr. Bradley, I really, really love you. You are a huge reason why I'm still here and why I'm graduating soon, and I know I could have never done it without you. Thank you for everything you've done, and I'll be sure to keep in touch with you once I'm back at home! It means so beyond much to me. Writing this is making me tear up all over again because I'm going to miss you so much when I'm not in school anymore. I can't even find the words to put this post together because there's just so much to say and I can't even articulate it. It's hard to put emotions into words anyhow.

So in short, thank you, Dr. Bradley. You're amazing. Keep on doing what you do - you're truly a wonderful woman, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. You've really made such a difference for me and I'm going to carry it with me forever.

Thank you. For everything. ♥

Academia ate my brain

I drew that in my notes during my second trip to the National Archives this semester when I was on a research trip to get some court-martial records from some soldiers in order to write my senior thesis, which is on rheumatism and soldiers who faked the disease to get out of military service during the American Civil War. I've never felt this mentally fried due to scholarly work in my entire life.

Normally, I eat, sleep and breathe academia, specifically when it relates to my interests (military history, baseball, etc.). When you have a limited time to work on things, however, you feel a sudden squeeze and it just grates at you and saps all of the fun out of doing the research and exploring your subject. I love doing research. It's such a gratifying feeling to find a source or a bit of information that helps you prove your point. But when there's so much pressure and you find yourself continually crying and sobbing to your roommate that you're breaking down because of it, it's not exactly as fun. The stress of this was just not okay.

In retrospect, I'm wondering if I could have gone to Disability Services on campus to ask them about working with my professors to help me find better ways to complete my assignments without getting so stressed out. But I'm pretty much done with my undergraduate experience now, so I'm always going to be left wondering. Don't be too proud to try it, though, because you never know what might happen and who could help you. My on-campus therapist, Dr. Kathy Bradley, has been my savior this semester. Make sure if you need support you get it - you'll melt down and end up in a very bad place otherwise.

And now I will go and do my citations. Ugh.

I like cats.

Want to make me cry when I'm at college? Ask me about how much I miss my cats.

I have four - Mittens, Gimli, Tony and Murphy - and all of them have special meanings to me. Murphy, my youngest, is especially important since I found him during a rough time in my college career when I was struggling with OCD. He saved me, and I saved him (he was a tiny unweaned kitten when I found him). So that's why I drew him in my arms for this post.

My cats throughout my lifetime have taught me all sorts of things. When I was born, I had two older cat-siblings, Arthur Malone and Hillary Rose, and when my grandmother moved in with us she brought with her Gremlin, her passive-aggressive orange blob. Art and Grem both passed away from cancer when I was in elementary school, but Hill lived until I was nearly sixteen. I also adopted a kitten named Mitchell when I was ten, and his death three years later from kidney failure was the first major loss of my life. Growing up surrounded by these cats meant I learned responsibility and how to take care of others - combined with having a younger brother, I became a great nurturer. The cats have also been friends to talk to, shoulders to cry on, and sick day companions, and when I look into their eyes and we blink at each other or I get a headbutt, my heart absolutely swells with joy.

My cats have taught me how to love.

And here's the thing - if your child is on the spectrum, seriously consider getting them a pet. Animals are loyal, trustworthy friends for them. They give them something to talk about and share with others. They teach responsibility and respect and love. If you ask me, adopt from a shelter, where the best pets always are. I used to volunteer at a shelter in high school - RBARI - and all those wonderful animals deserve someone special. I know all of you are special, so go and give someone a forever home!

Keeping My Balance

It's something I'm not too good at doing, especially in fancy shoes. But on Saturday, I was wearing fancy shoes and walking in them and everything.

For the very first time, I went to my campus formal. I'm a senior.

See, at the campus formal, it's dark and crowded and there are lots of people bumping into you all the time. And when you don't know too many people on campus, that makes it even more awkward to deal with. And on top of that, I hate dressing up and looking all fancy. It just doesn't work well for me. Being flat-footed doesn't help too much on the shoe front, either.

But this year was different. It was my last year here, so I figured I should go at least once. My roommate (who's been wonderful in helping with my Asperger's over the years) and another friend of ours, who also happens to be an Aspergirl, all ended up going together. And in going together, that made it so much easier for me. I wore a dress (it was green and on the longer side). I wore dress shoes. I didn't wear makeup, but that's only because it makes my face itch. I even had a glass of wine - just one, because I don't drink much, but I had one. It was just plain huge for me to successfully go.

I only stayed about an hour because I had gotten up at 7:30 that morning to go to Antietam on a field trip. But it was still a success for me - something that took a lot of courage to do. And I am so, so glad that I went in the end, even though I was nervous to walk into those doors.

And since I know you read this, Mom, I'll close with an actual photo of me in a dress for you so you can be pleasantly surprised by me.

Do What You Love

As people with Asperger's, we often find that when something has to do with our highly specific areas of knowledge, we're extremely good at it. Therefore, when I talked to my psychiatrist about potential careers since I'm about to graduate college, she reminded me that sticking to my interests could make me an undisputed expert in my field.

Well, my interest happens to be baseball, and I've got a gig writing about the Orioles for G9 Sports. Although I started out as a Red Sox and Mets fan, the Orioles have grown on me enough whilst I've been at college to make them my third team (although they're in the same division as the Sox, they're not very good right now, so it doesn't affect very much). My blog, which will be called Charm City Yakyuu, is going to discuss the Orioles in length, and I get to do what I love, talk about baseball. I'm even going to be posting cartoons there occasionally, as well, because I have a strong fondness for drawing baseball players. I'm not going to stop updating this blog, of course, because this is extremely important to me, too, but I just want to point out that writing for a sports network about a baseball team has officially given me a whole lot of confidence in myself. It's something I know I can handle, something I know I'm good at, and, most importantly, something I love doing and care about.

Basically, what I'm saying is that people with autism can succeed by following their dreams, just like everyone else. If anything, they're even more likely to put in all the hard work to get there because sometimes we can be so single-minded in our pursuits of our interests. And as long as we keep at it and stay determined, we can do anything we want to do. We just have to keep working and believe in ourselves. And I believe in every single one of you, too.

On Sensory Overload

Okay, I figured it was time to tackle this one, since I've just returned from spending Thanksgiving with my family and my extended family is frequently the source of this problem for me. It's a tricky issue to discuss, since everyone experiences it differently, and therefore all of our problems vary somewhat.

My worst ones have always been physical contact and crowds, especially noisy crowds. (The exception of this is when I attend baseball games, because when I'm at a game I'm in a whole other world, one where I'm safe from everything.) Because of all of this, I, like many people on the spectrum, can only receive really tight hugs and don't like the feel of certain clothes. I also hate loud people - it rings in my ears.

Enter my paternal grandmother. She's one of the loudest people I know - you can always hear her over a crowd. She whistles a lot, yells at dinner instead of talks, and is generally pretty noisy. When we're having a holiday dinner, such as Thanksgiving, I usually have to remove myself from the table more than once.

This year, I actually knew why, and it made a huge difference for me. But knowing and understanding your own triggers for your sensory overloads doesn't mean they won't happen, and this is one I can't just avoid, since she's family. At most family holiday dinners, I get headaches and need space because of her and others - when she yells, everyone else starts yelling (hey, we're Italian). I invariably end up removing myself and finding a place where it's quieter just to relax and talk to family members one-on-one as they move about the house, which is a lot easier for me to handle. I still have to eat, though, so I do have to spend some time at the table. That time usually consists of me propping myself up on my hands and eating quickly, namely just because a) I'm hungry and b) too many people can be really overwhelming for me.

When we can't avoid our triggers, what should we do? My best options include bringing something comforting with me to the table, like a pad of paper to draw on, to keep me occupied. It also helps when the cats show up because we've got turkey - Mittens is omnipresent around the holidays because turkey's a favorite of hers. The cats are always something really comforting to me. You may be viewed as a little immature if you bring a comfort item to the table, but feel free to calmly explain what it's for - if it's your family, they should understand, and if they don't, then make sure you have a talk with them about that at some point.

Remember, the holidays are supposed to be fun, so make sure you can enjoy them, too!