I also fear being seen as nothing but an object, a common experience for women that happens all too often. Yes, I'm cute. No, I'm not here to just be a disposable vagina. That's not how this works, and if you treat me like that, I'll be sure to reverse it until you realize why it's dehumanizing.
My biggest fear, though, is having the dreaded Autism Talk that I know I'll have to have with any man I date. I never know when it's something to bring up with people who I'm not dating as it is, but if I were to meet a guy and we hit it off romantically, I'd be especially wary. Dating often involves physical contact, something that I'm not particularly good with, and it often happens fairly early on in a relationship (hand-holding, light kisses, etc.). Would I mention it then? Would I mention it further in, when sex potentially came up? I'm genuinely worried about not being good at sex because of my physical contact issues. Would I be valued less by a partner if I wasn't good at sex (presuming my partner wasn't on the asexual spectrum)? Would my need for direct communication and no hint-taking be an extra demand on my partner? Would he be able to handle my disability, or would it drive him away?
Obviously, a man who can't handle my disability (or my existence as a disabled woman) isn't the sort of man I'd want to date, period. It's the fear of opening up and revealing this information about myself, that dread of being vulnerable, like I was when I was a kid and I was bullied for existing as myself. I still get nervous around men my own age that I don't know very well because of it all, and it's starting to really hurt me emotionally because I'm now 27 years old and still haven't been on a single date in my entire life. I see my friends getting married and starting families. I see people younger than me finding love all the time.
It really hurts to be paralyzed by your own fear.
I guess that is a big fear lots of people with Autism have. I feel that if I was romantic with everyone I would have to explain at some point, or worse I don't tell them then something goes wrong and they don't understand. I am not sure if you have seen it but I would advise you watch the film Jane Wants A Boy friend which covers the subject. Personally I would mention it if I though things went well. Explaining I want to be up front about it. Maybe not at the start so that they get to know you for who you are and not a label. I think it will also give you a chance to gague them if they really are a good person they will understand. Maybe also giving them some kind of explaination and this will sound crazy reading material if they would like to understand so they don't assume to much.
ReplyDeleteReading material is definitely a good idea! I'll have to look into that film, too, since it does sound vaguely familiar to me - I think I've heard of it! Thank you!
DeleteI definitely do think it's something I have to explain since it's such a big part of my identity as a human, but it's a difficult subject to bring up, and there's always that fear of being seen as "lesser" or "defective." I know I'm not, but other people don't necessarily know that, so at the very least it'll help me filter out men who aren't worth it!
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DeleteSteph, you are an amazing woman, so any man who wants to date you had better be awesome enough for you (otherwise I'll kick him where it counts :P). He should not only accept but love all of who you are. There are a lot of fish in the sea--and while that phrase is ridiculously corny, it's true... I really believe there is someone for everyone. Who knows, you might meet a spectacular guy who loves your brain more than physical affection, has the patience of a saint, and is perfectly compatible.
ReplyDeleteThough, love isn't perfect--when I met my fiance, I thought he was a creepy! I was scared to get to know him because of my past traumas with guys. I gave it more time and patience, and turns out he was actually loyal and persistent in a way I desperately needed, and we were a perfect fit.
So it may take time, but I hope if you do find a guy you fancy, that he is perfect for you and treats you like a queen. :)
First off - I'm so unbelievably happy for you guys. Like, seriously. I was so stoked when you got engaged!
DeleteI'm hoping that it happens that way for me, too, since generally I don't really fall for people quickly (although I definitely have a type). I usually want to know if I can trust a guy before I let myself feel anything, so a mutual friendship built on respect seems to be my best bet to start a relationship from! Of course, my social anxiety around men my age (until I know them well) tends to throw wrenches in my gears. Hopefully that's not eternally the case...
I also have never been in a dating style relationship, but I seem to easily develop platonic friendships with women. You never know how one of those might further develop. I think I am more concerned about the potential instability of the relationship more so than physical contact.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely concerned about emotional stuff too, yeah. My fear even makes me nervous about platonic friendships with men off the internet - I haven't even really been able to develop many of those! I hope it's something I learn to work through...
DeleteHey, just found your journal through tumblr and I can totally relate. I'm aspie too and on the asexual spectrum...so I'm constantly worrying about the double whammy of having to tell someone that I am both.
ReplyDeleteIn these kind of cases I think it would be ideal to date someone who also has aspergers; this way I wouldn't have to explain through what it is exactly and wouldn't have to reiterate that it doesn't change me ad a person.
Aaah, what's your Tumblr? We should be friends on there!
DeleteI've looked at something called Spectrum Singles a little bit before, but I didn't do anything with it because I was still too anxious. I think in my particular case it'd help me to be friends with the men in question before anything happened, though, because then I'd know they already had respect for me and didn't intend to do what other people did to me in the past (i.e. said horrible things, etc.).
I'm terrified of dating. I've just started dating a guy and I know he's going to want the physical side of a relationship. But as well as being on the spectrum, I am also asexual.
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky in the fact this guy has known me for almost three years and already knows that I'm on the spectrum. But I'm still terrified of knowing he's thinking about a physical relationship that I don't think I'm ever going to be able to have with him.
At the very least, you guys have known each other for a long time, so you'll likely be able to have a frank talk about it! If he really loves you, he'll understand and work things out. If not, then he's not worth your time! A person not willing to make compromises in a relationship to help the other person out isn't a person worth dating, as far as I'm concerned. It can't be all about one person's needs - it has to go both ways - so if someone constantly expects you to be a certain way for them, it's not worth it.
DeleteBoys judge from the outside, God judges from the inside. Follow him and the love will appear. My son has Autism and I wonder about his future all the time (with dating). I also have two daughters whom are not on the spectrum. I just hope they all know how beautiful they are because of WHO they are and not what they are. Love is so special, it's so true, so be true to yourself. Peace!
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