Asperger's And Gender Roles

Ells (left), a creation of mine, doesn't adhere to gender roles.

Growing up, I was a tomboy. To be honest, I turn 23 in one month and I still am a tomboy. It's generally not such a big deal - it's more socially acceptable for girls these days - but it got me thinking the other day. I was rereading my copy of Rudy Simone's Aspergirls, and there was a chapter in there on gender roles. I read it through...and realized why I have so much trouble with certain things.

The fact of the matter is that I'm not just a tomboy: I don't adhere to gender roles. I don't see a need for gender roles. The only reason humans come in two physical genders is so that they can procreate and make more humans. Sexuality itself is very fluid and isn't tied to gender at all - people can be straight, gay, bi, trans, cis, pansexual, asexual - and yet based on our biology, we're slotted into two distinct groups by society and are raised to fit certain patterns of behavior. When we don't fit those patterns, we're ostracized.

It's one thing for a girl to be a tomboy. More and more girls are shedding the 'girly girl' image these days, and that makes me feel a lot better about myself and others like me who were never seen as particularly 'feminine.' As it becomes more and more socially acceptable, it makes it easier for people like myself. However, here's my snag: not only do I do things more commonly associated with men, but I do them like men. I have somewhat male speech patterns, dress in fashions that are basically men's tailored to a female body, prefer punching people to mind games when it comes to settling disputes, and even picture myself taking a knee and proposing to my future husband.

Things like this make it genuinely surprising to most people when they find out I'm straight. I'm assumed to be a lesbian more often than I would like, and that's not fair to either me or lesbians - lesbians don't fit a strict label, so don't assume they're all butch macho women. I have a friend from high school who's a lesbian, and she's one of the most feminine people I've ever met.

Here are the problems I've struggled with since I don't follow along with society's plan for me:

• Dating is hard. It's another social construct, and since I'm not the stereotypical girl, I always end up friend-zoned as one of the guys...or not even approached, because, as mentioned above, people think I'm a lesbian due to stereotypes.
• Growing up, it was really, really hard to find role models. I turned to fiction and still didn't find too many girls like me, save Eowyn from Lord of the Rings (thank God for ladies like Hermione and Katniss lately). In the end, I created many of my own, the most notable being Ells Robbins (see image), who is now the lead character in my webcomic The Historians. Other girls in that comic don't adhere to gender roles in some ways, but Ells basically defies them at every turn (including being a racecar driver on the weekends and making more sex jokes than the average twelve-year-old boy). However, to make myself feel better about my own prospects, I gave Ells a love interest (Clyde, next to her in the image), and plan on eventually getting them together.
• People don't know what to think of me. I've got great parenting and nurturing instincts, which I've honed my entire life with my cats (and now sheepdogs), yet I don't fit society's description of what a mother should be. I'm a girl who thrives on history, sports, comic books and cars, yet I treat people very gently and tenderly unless they piss me off or are terrible people.

Defying gender roles is, according to Rudy Simone, quite common in girls with Asperger's. It's also visible in boys with Asperger's, which leads to them being teased by their peers mercilessly. Again, these boys might not be gay, either, but simply doing what they enjoy regardless of whether or not it makes them fit in. I was fortunate growing up and my parents supported my interests no matter what they were, but many people are less accepting. To parents reading this - the most important thing you can do is accept your children for who they are and love them no matter what. They may be different, yes, but you need to teach them that there is a place for them in this world by accepting them and loving them first. It will help give them the confidence to be themselves going forward.

And really, society, when did being ourselves become such a crime, anyway? I'm certainly not going to compromise who I am just to make some judgmental people happy, and neither should anybody else.

Managing Anger With Asperger's

People very rarely see me like this.

So I get angry a lot of the time. I hide this very, very well, though. I'm generally really calm in real life and I don't get outwardly stressed out in public anymore. In addition, I tend to laugh off issues, effectively using my sense of humor to cope with problems (and self-deprecate myself).

The truth is that underneath all of that, I have a temper. You'll probably see it if you watch me drive in traffic or watch a baseball game, and even then it's still milder than what it can be when I'm truly pissed off. Very, very few people have seen me enraged, but when I get there, my voice gets really deep and distorted and adrenaline courses through my arms (I usually take that out by throwing a pillow or some other harmless object in the general direction of nobody). The strangest things set me off, too, like not getting a chance to enter into a conversation with somebody. (This happened the other night.)

Keeping yourself calm is one of the most important things Aspergerians need to learn how to do in the adult world, where meltdowns are generally seen as psychiatric issues and scare people. Unless your goal is to convince everyone that you need anger management classes, it's good to know how to control your meltdowns so you can continue with your life happily and other people don't judge you. Even people who know I have Asperger's have told me to ease off when I'm having meltdowns, which made me realize that it's probably for everyone's best interests that I keep myself calm.

Before I explain how I keep myself calm and don't give in to my anger, let me just clarify that I don't mean that we have to conform with people. Neurotypical people need to control their anger, too, and if they let loose they're looked down upon just the same way we are. Anger management itself is a very important skill that all children need to learn, and once they reach adulthood if they haven't quite gotten it down they could run into issues down the road.

My Asperger's Child has a great article featuring 50 ways to calm down your Aspergerian kid when he or she is having an anger meltdown. My personal technique for myself happens to be on that list - I pull out my sketchbook and draw or I pull out a writing notebook and write. I never travel anywhere without at least one of those things, frequently both, and bringing them along allows me to throw my energy into my creative work when I get anxious, angry or upset. By giving myself something productive to do, I don't lash out at anything or anyone, and it ends up being oddly soothing to put my feelings on the page, even if it's through fictional characters. Other people go for a run or exercise to take out their stress. It's even more important if you happen to have an ASD and are subject to raw, powerful emotions that sometimes seemingly come out of nowhere.

My writing and drawing are what keep me sane. They also allow me to run this blog. Once again, I don't know where I'd be without them.

Haircuts: Not Very Fun

I hate when my hair sticks to my face because it's wet. 

I don't like getting haircuts.

There's a number of reasons I hate them, but once I was diagnosed with Asperger's (it'll be 3 years in July already - holy cow!) I realized why some of them existed. Getting a haircut is annoying to begin with for me because I can't multitask during it and get other things done (sportswriting, drawing, etc.), but the fact that a salon is sensory hell makes it significantly worse.

There is nothing I hate more than being wet. I'm not sure why, but I have never liked being wet. When you get a haircut, your hair is usually washed first at the salon and is therefore wet. This makes it stick to your face and neck, which is itchy and uncomfortable...and wet. It's not cool.

The salon is also full of strange smells because of all the beauty products and shampoos and lotions and whatnot that they use. Too many smells can be overwhelming for a neurotypical person, let alone someone with an ASD. It's an extremely uncomfortable experience, and when you're also having physical sensory issues because EVERYTHING IS WET, it adds to your discomfort. It's also not cool.

Then there's the part where they actually dry your hair. My stylist is the absolute best and she does an incredible job with my hair. I love her. However, when she's drying my hair, she yanks my head all about and uses a hair dryer so hot that the tips of my ears turn red before she's done. I know you need heat to straighten your hair, yes, but that much? It just ends up hurting me. I wonder if she sees my wincing face in the mirror. It's really, really not cool. (Actually, it's quite hot.)

Long story short, getting a haircut can be a sensory nightmare. I'm not even very far down on the spectrum and it's miserable for me. I know NTs who are bothered by everything at salons, too. It's just not a fun experience, and it's just made worse if you're on the spectrum and have sensory issues.

At least by the end of it, I look like this, which is a nice consolation prize:

Steph Appeal vs Sex Appeal

Let's talk about sex appeal versus Steph Appeal.

It's almost Valentine's Day, and for the 23rd year in a row, I'm single. I've never been on a date in my entire life, and that's been okay because I've been working on getting my life in order and focusing on my education and career up until now. Besides, instead of Valentine's Day I celebrate a holiday called Pitchers And Catchers Report Day around the same time in February every year, which is one of the most important holidays of the year on my calendar. However, I got to wondering why I've never been asked out before in my entire life despite being a fairly cute girl who's very nice to people. In the meantime, girls who were all essentially the same person went on plenty of dates, got laid, were in relationships...all those things I've never done.

Then again, none of those girls have probably ever reached inside the stomach of a cow. But I digress. (I have, however, done some pretty cool stuff in the name of science.)

Anyhow, I concluded this morning that I don't have traditional sex appeal, which may have something to do with why I didn't attract the high school and college set of boys. I don't wear form-fitting outfits, preferring comfort to style. I don't know how to flirt. I hate how makeup feels on my face - it itches and I feel sealed up - so I don't wear it. I keep my hair short, so I can't flip it in a bar to get someone's attention. I'm just...not very traditionally attractive.

I have what's called Steph Appeal instead.

Okay, let me explain that. I have a lot of things about me that would make me a great catch for somebody, although they're not often what people traditionally look for in a girl. Here are my best attributes:

• I'm a nerd. I play video games and read comic books and sci-fi and fantasy novels, as well as classical literature and history books. Basically, I'm not the girl who would force you to throw out your comic book collection if we moved in together. Hell, I'd be the one adding to it.
• I LOVE SPORTS. Hell, I WRITE ABOUT SPORTS. There's a fairly good chance that I know more about baseball than you. In fact, when I'm watching TV, it's usually baseball. Sometimes it's some other sport or maybe something really geeky. Basically, you won't have to fight with me over the remote if you want to watch sports.
• I have strangely good parental instincts. I credit this to always having cats and dogs in my house.
• I'm a genuinely nice person.
• I'm fun! I like doing stupid things and once I get to know you I'm cool to hang out with.

Oh, and I guess I'm pretty cute. That, too.

So...who wants to be my date?

Asperger's On The Internet: Negative Perceptions

I'm a geek. I'm very open about being a geek. I go to anime conventions to sell my fanart and I'm currently reading a Star Wars novel starring a very minor character best remembered for blurting out "Look at the SIZE of that thing!" at the first Death Star. Of course, this means I enjoy taking part in my fandoms, and that includes reading sites like Fandom!Secrets. It turns out, though, that this might not be the best idea lately - things are getting a little weird with Asperger's in the fandom world.

Namely, a lot of people don't believe Asperger's is real.

There's a major flaw with this way of thinking, as I as well as many other people have been professionally diagnosed with something that was officially listed in DSM-IV. It's definitely real. The problem, though, is that a lot of people in fandom assume that everyone with Asperger's is like a few outliers in the fandom universe. These outliers have hurt the cause of Asperger's in popular culture a lot more than they realize. And here's the major problem - a lot of the outliers are self-diagnosed antisocial people who may not actually have Asperger's and simply use it as an excuse for behaving inappropriately.

Here's TV Tropes on Asperger's Syndrome. Note that TV Tropes handles Asperger's maturely. But then look at Uncyclopedia. It actually hurts a little bit. It's not the worst example, but it's a little sad to see it handled in such a way.

Now here's the one that really stings. Look at Encyclopedia Dramatica. This just makes me flat-out angry.

I'm noted for my ability to laugh at myself, especially when it comes to my Asperger's. I find this to just be a gross over-generalization of a few people on the internet who are doing the worst thing possible for Asperger's: using the disorder as an excuse to act like assholes. A lot of those people who do that are self-diagnosed. There's nothing wrong with self-diagnosis if you believe you have genuine signs of Asperger's. The problem is that some antisocial people have begun assuming that they have Asperger's because they don't like being around people, and they then use this self-diagnosis as an excuse when they don't behave with regard to social standards on the internet.

When I first found the article on September 23rd, this is what I wrote on my Tumblr:

So here we go.

1. This article claims that everyone who discusses having Asperger’s on the internet is using it to get attention or sympathy. As a self-advocate, I can tell you that’s not the case. I try to explain my differences from non-ASD people whilst at the same time believing in coexistence.

2. I think this article exists on Encyclopedia Dramatica because too many people have been acting out and then blaming their ASDs. If an ASD person makes a social mistake/comes across like a jerk, they often don’t realize it. The higher-functioning ASD people who do realize it will either a) acknowledge they made an error and apologize or b) blame their ASD and absolve themselves, thus setting a poor example for the rest of us. I love those of us in group A.

3. I don’t think my disorder, however mild, should be considered an excuse for my behavior if I make a mistake, especially given that I am high-functioning enough to make an effort to socialize and assimilate into mainstream society. Some people are so far down the spectrum, however, that they are unable to do so, and this article mocks them, as well. Hand-flapping is an early sign of autism - it’s not common in people with Asperger’s in comparison to how often you see it in autism.

4. If you’re high-functioning enough to realize you’ve made people upset, you shouldn’t use your ASD as an excuse. That leads to the negative stereotypes in the article.

5. I know Encyclopedia Dramatica is trying to be funny, but I don’t think they did a good job of it at all. I’m pretty good at laughing at my Asperger’s and this actually hurt me to read.

Moral of the story?
~ Your ASD is not an excuse if you can function high enough to think to use it as one.
~ Negative stereotypes about ASDs are very strong because some ASD people use it as an excuse for bad behavior.
~ Both the mocking and the excuse-making have to stop for ASD people and non-autistics to see eye-to-eye.
Okay, I’m done being angry for tonight. I just really couldn’t let this slide.

 Originally, I had a knee-jerk reaction to this post. I got angry. I realize now that it wasn't entirely aimed at most people with Asperger's on the whole - it was aimed at the people who claim to have Asperger's and use it as an excuse to act like jerks. Those people may or may not actually have Asperger's. That's a biiig problem for those of us who want to self-advocate, especially online. The issue is that because of these negative perceptions people have due to these folks on the internet, Asperger's isn't often taken very seriously. I'd love to tell people how certain fictional characters have made me feel better about myself and my Asperger's, but I'd end up hearing from trolls that my Asperger's "isn't real" and that I'm "probably just a jerk who lives in my parents' basement and is using Asperger's as an excuse." I know they wouldn't listen to reason, because trolls just try to stir up trouble, so there's no point in trying to reason with them - that's why we always say "don't feed the trolls" on the internet here.

This depresses me, to be honest, since the people I know on the autism spectrum are the kindest, most genuine people I know. Things like this remind me that we're still far from being truly understood.

Writing Therapy

This is Dustin Thatcher, one of my two main characters.

I like writing. I make no secret of that since I have about ten million blogs that I update on a fairly regular basis in between drawing cartoons and watching Old English sheepdogs. One of them is about a novel that I'm working on, Londinium. The thing about the book is...well, I've been trying to get myself to write the thing for seven years now. Seven years. College got in the way for a while, and then I became a much better writer than I was in high school, so what I had written is currently being re-written.

You know what, though? Rewriting things feels fabulous. Getting back in touch with my characters feels fabulous, too. They're old friends of mine. And you know what? They were my friends when I didn't have any friends. Basil and Dustin, my main characters, have been around since December of 2004. This year, I've resolved to actually tell the world their story.

You can follow my quest to tell their story - as well as read some fun research nuggets I dig up - at Londinium's official blog, which is here. The healing power of writing is vastly underrated in this world. Having these two and their friends around for all these years has gotten me through some really rough times in my life. I'm so honored to be able to repay them in this way.

Moving On

It's almost the end of 2011, so I guess I should write about what was for me a very big year. Because this is a culmination post or whatnot, you get an actual photo of me (in my room at home) with my partner in crime, Murphy.

The first half of this year was really difficult for me - in between writing my thesis and navigating a lot of difficult stuff in my personal life, I ended up struggling with depression. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to be happy in your current situation, you can't. It just happens.

Things actually looked up once I graduated from college. Although there were a few months where I started floundering because I had no idea what to do with myself, I ended up getting my feet back under me and went back to my therapist. He got me back on the right track and eventually convinced me to join a group therapy session he was starting up every week for women. I'm the youngest member of that group. There's one other girl in her 20s, and everyone else is older. It's like I've gained four more mothers and an older sister, honestly. Having their guidance is wonderful. Because of all of them - and if you ladies read this, you know who you are - I finally feel secure in myself as a person.

For various reasons, I never felt secure as a person in the four years I was at college. There are a lot of factors, most of which are things that I'm not going to talk about at the present, but they're all behind me. I will say this, though - I learned a lot about people when I was at college. There are all kinds of people out there in this world - some will be good to you, and others won't be. Then there are those who are both. It's up to you yourself to successfully navigate your relationships with all of these people. For people on the autism spectrum - like myself - that's harder than it is for neurotypical people. It's a struggle to understand the people that care about us, let alone the ones that don't. It's harder to determine who those people are sometimes. Sometimes, we're even flat-out wrong about what people want from us. We've all experienced good and bad relationships (the story of my 2011) - the toughest part is determining what to do with them.

Sometimes, you just have to move on, too. And that's okay.

Wishing you all a wonderful 2012! Now we just have to hope the world doesn't end, right? Right.